An intimate marriageAug 06, 2021
A marriage is a union of two people giving and receiving, and it flourishes when we give love in the way our spouses prefer it and receive love abundantly in whichever form it comes. Through wise communication, we can express our preferred love language to our spouses, so that they know how to please us. Yet, we never miss an opportunity to be grateful, understanding Allah’s love promise.
If you express gratitude, I shall certainly give you more
Increasing the Intimate Tension
Opposites attract. The masculine yearns to connect with the feminine, as we see in the yin and yang mode, so increase how opposite you are to your husband in the bedroom department.
Here are some ways you can heighten your femininity so that your husband is naturally drawn to you from his masculine side:
- Wear clothes that are soft and delicate, and that draws attention to your best features
- Light candles and have soft lighting in the bedroom, accentuating your visual softness and femininity
- Use your smiles and touch to let him know you are interested – send out the signals and allow his masculine side to respond!
The Love Languages with a Seductive Twist
“The Messenger of Allah said: ‘In this world, women and perfume have been made dear to me, and my comfort has been provided in prayer."
Sunan an-Nasa’i 3939
In this section, we juice up the love languages and use them to connect with our spouses intimately. We use words, service, gifts, time, and touch to attract our husbands to us, drawing them towards us like a magnet! Here are some ways to use the love languages intimately:
Use words of affirmation to admire your husband’s strengths, good looks, ability to solve problems – accentuate his masculine qualities which will increase the intimate tension between you.
- ‘You are so strong!’
- ‘You look so handsome in that shirt’
- ‘You know how to save the day!’
Take the time out and put effort into looking attractive and sexy. Get your hair cut and colored, choose clothes that accentuate your best bits. Wear softer fabrics in the evenings, not just the typical cotton or denim.
Wearing perfume, lingerie, and jewelry is not just to look good, but also to gift your beauty to your husband. Men are very visual and putting time into beautifying yourself for him is a gift to him!
Being rested and available in the evenings let your husband know that you are open to spend quality time with him and be intimate with him instead of knocking out the second your head hits the pillow! Allow yourself to unwind in the evenings by switching off your phone, dimming the lights, taking a bath or shower.
Physical touch is the most intimate way of connecting in a marriage. Use your touch to seduce your husband. Your strokes, pats, kisses, pecks on the cheek let him know that you are available in the bedroom. Sitting close to him, brushing past him as he walks by are ways you can bring out his masculine, pursuing side…
Barriers to Love
Just like we saw in the gratitude and self-care habits, we often have barriers that stop us from giving love to others, and it is important that we remove these barriers so that we can give love with an open heart. We can often feel resentful of others and have emotional or physical triggers that stop us from wanting to love, especially when we want to be physically intimate. This section sheds some light on how to overcome these barriers.
The Cherished Muslimah knows that giving love to her husband and being open to physical intimacy is a rewarding and pleasurable experience for both her and her husband, as long as the right conditions are being met – and so she strives to create a marriage where both she and her husband can enjoy the intimate side of their union.
They (are) garments for you and you (are) garments for them”
Surah Baqarah (2:187)
If you find yourself too tired at night to be intimate with your husband, look to how you can create a regular wind-down routine in the evenings. Perhaps you have too much on your plate – if you have young children, then you are most probably going to be worn out by the time you put them to bed! Yet amidst the business and chaos, just like we emphasized self-care last month, it is essential to take time out to replenish in the evenings so that you can enjoy the fruits of sexual intimacy with your husband.
‘Your body has a right over you; your eyes have a right over you and your spouse has a right over you.’ Sahih al-Bukhari (5199)
Emotional or Psychological Triggers
You may find that disagreements with your husband cause you to not want to be intimate. When we feel unappreciated and disregarded, and only pursued for sexual relations, feelings of intimacy often fly out of the window. It is hard to connect sexually with someone that you can’t connect with emotionally.
In these circumstances, it is essential that you speak to a professional (a coach, counselor or therapist) who can help you to overcome any triggers that cause you to withdraw or feel discouraged from being intimate with your husband. Post a message in the Gazebo and reach out to Sara and she will signpost you in the right direction if necessary.
You may have physical triggers which discourage you from being intimate. This could be due to trauma that you have experienced in the past, or it could be a fear of how intercourse makes you feel. If you feel pain or resistance with regards to sexual intercourse, then you may benefit from speaking to your doctor. If you have been unfortunate to have experienced sexual abuse, then have counseling in this area can help you to move on from what happened. Post a message in the Gazebo and reach out to Sara and she will signpost you in the right direction if necessary.
Being sexually intimate can be an extremely vulnerable experience, yet in this vulnerability lies true intimate connection. Women often feel ashamed of their bodies and imperfections, but in this imperfection lies humanness and connection. Allah, the Creator, Fashioner and Designer has created, fashioned and designed us the way He wanted to and saw best. He has designed the male with the sexual organ that fits into the female organ, and in that intercourse, He has put pleasure and satisfaction. If you are not finding this, then it is important to speak to someone who you trust, be that a doctor, a mentor, wise woman or coach, to see how to create a fulfilled marital union. Remember, if either you or your husband have problems with regards to sexual intimacy, it will necessarily affect the other, so working towards a win-win solution is important. Post a message in the Gazebo and reach out to Sara and she will sign post you in the right direction if necessary.
Letting Go of Perfection
With so much perfection bombarding us on the media, it is understandable why so many of us are unhappy with our imperfect bodies. Here are some interesting statistics on body image:
One in six women (16%) are very dissatisfied with how they look – YouGov
Just over one in five adults (21%) said images used in advertising had caused them to worry about their body image – Mental Health Foundation
Nearly half of Brits are unhappy with their body– YouGov
So, what is the solution? The Cherished Muslimah keeps her connection with Allah جل جلاله who is Al-Qudus and As-Salam, perfect beyond measure, and the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم who was the perfect human. With this connection, she surrenders to the fact that she is not perfect, and doesn’t need to be! We can have perfect relationships despite our imperfections, warts (and wobbly bits) and all!
Preferences How often is a personal question, and both husband and wife should discuss what works for them and what doesn’t. It is important to remember that healthy sexual intimacy brings couples together and when it isn’t, other problems are likely to develop. A healthy comprise is often what is needed, most probably resulting in one spouse having sexual relations a bit more than they prefer, and the other spouse having them a bit less that they would like.
“Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list; but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become ‘good friends’ at best, or ‘bickering roommates’ at worst.”
Ian Kerner, Psychotherapist and Sexuality Counsello
Your Rose Garden
Mevlana’s Rose Garden
As we did last month, we again look at Mevlana Jelal al Din Rumi’s (may Allah be pleased with him) famous rose garden, the epitome of love. In order to heighten your femininity, be sure to look after your inner garden with self-care that brings out your femininity. Giving yourself the special care and attention will remind you what it means to be loved, making you feel beautiful and seductive.
Self-care with a splash of femininity
A Cherished Muslimah knows that she can’t give love unless she loves herself first. So, she practices self-care that brings out her femininity, nourishing herself while simultaneously making her more sensual.
Feminine Self-Care Tips:
- Candlelit baths with essential oils
- Hair/face masks
- Applying henna to your hands
- Getting a candle-lit aromatherapy massage with spa music
A Marriage Rich in Intimacy
To summarise, know that sexual intimacy has been created as a means for both men and women to get pleasure and satisfaction and that you can have a perfect love life despite your imperfections. Make time for one another and increase the yin and yang tension between you so that you can complement each other’s innate polarities, bringing you intimately closer.
If you would like to embody the four traits in your life and move from being average to phenomenal, then book a FREE Discovery Call with me today so that you can create a fulfilled life that is abundant in love and respect!
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