No Rapport?

Jan 12, 2021

This is a repost of an article that was first published on Cherished and Successful on May 25th, 2020

Choose disagreements wisely 

Communicating with others is always easier when both people are in rapport with one another.  It makes the whole process easier.

[raˈpôr, rəˈpôr]
a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well.

On page 158 of The Four Traits of a Cherished Muslimah, I describe the S-E-S-E formula of communicating, and how it is easier to communicate if we have the other person in agreement before suggesting changes. 

When a couple are in rapport, they can insist on things, need to be less careful words as they won't be at risk of being misinterpreted; they have more of a chance to influence the other person.

But what happens when there is no rapport between a couple, especially due to long-standing issues?

If a husband and wife differ in their values and beliefs, then it becomes a lot more difficult to agree to things concerning issues related to those principles.  If certain topics lead to explosive arguments in your household, then it best to be wisely cautious and careful when addressing them.

At times like this, we need to tap into our wisdom trait by:

  • being wise with our words: expressing our desires, values and limits,
  • conveying the effects of their actions,
  • making our suggestions
  • choosing our timing carefully,
  • allowing healing space for the wounds of our relationship - it is important to give the relationship the opportunity to grow rather than decay.

If it is a special occasion and you bring up a topic that will be problematic, chances are your spouse will react even more negatively simply because you have brought it up on a day of happiness.  Bringing up on a special day may even make the two of you grow even more distant.  Instead, speak your truth, and leave them to it.

If you are having disagreements with your spouse during a special day such as Eid – remember to lead prayerfully:  ask Allah to help you and make things easy for you, ask Him to allow you to communicate in the best of ways.  Remember the prayer of Prophet Musa, upon him be peace, communicate in the wisest way possible, and leave the outcome to Him.

O my Lord! expand me my breast;
Ease my task for me;
And remove the impediment from my speech,
So they may understand what I say.
Ta-ha (20:25-28)  - The prayer of Prophet Musa

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