Why I’m not that Fascinating or Surrendered, but always Cherished.

May 18, 2021

I used to subscribe to ‘old-fashioned’ marriage books like ‘The Surrendered Wife’ and ‘Fascinating Womanhood’ – until I saw the cracks. I coached women in these principles for many years and was even a certified trainer, but then I saw that I couldn’t practise what I was preaching myself – and it certainly did seem like preaching, even at the time. And that’s why I went on to write my own modern-day ‘version’, The Four Traits of a Cherished Muslimah – how it takes more than just love to nourish your marriage.

Books and ideologies that promote ‘traditional marriage roles’ can often be problematic living in the 21st century. For starters a big onus was often placed on women to make relationships work, absolving the man of any need to change. Women were told they needed to be more ‘girly’ and ‘playful’ in order to charm a man – but to be honest, the modern young woman who is raised as an equal alongside the boys in schools, colleges, universities is going to be very different to a 1960’s housewife even if she is playful. And who can define ‘girly’ in an age where girls are encouraged to be ‘too sexy too soon'?

There are all types of women and men – what we need is more balance, for both genders. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ was a balance of the yin and yang energy, he was strong and fierce, yet gentle and compassionate. Allah is the perfect balance of His divine attributes, with seemingly opposing attributes harmonising together.

And we too can be balanced. We can tap into our innate natures as women and men, women innately wired towards being compassionate yet strong and men being innately linear and just whilst being completed with love and mercy. We can all be uniquely ourselves where women can be great at DIY if they want, and men can be great cooks if they choose. Let’s allow our own lights to shine bright!

My way is a lot different now. I don’t focus on ‘letting men shine’ but instead encourage each son or daughter of Adam to shine. I focus less on women ‘relinquishing control’ of men and instead I hope to inspire all of us to take control of what we can and strive to be our best selves, creating homes where we all thrive, men, women, girls and boys.

I show women how to love others and love themselves, and most importantly, know that they are always loved by Allah, Al-Wadud, the Ever-Loving. I show them how to take life by the reins and to focus on their dreams and passions. I teach them how to communicate effectively, and how to be respectful and respected. I teach them about the perfection of The Messenger of Allah ﷺ so they can emulate his impeccably balanced character and hopefully, fall in love with him.

I teach women how to be respectful, always. To let go of what doesn't concern them - but hold on to what does from a place of dignity and grace. I show women how to place firm boundaries so that they can be respectful and respect-ED.

I show women how to allow love in, through receiving and gratitude, and how to give love out in the ways that their husbands love.

And if this love and respect and that they exude don’t charm the socks off their man then that's a crying shame... and his loss... not really something worth crying over. But if she must cry, then she can go ahead and do so, for as long as she needs to, until she is ready to get back up and carry on regardless.

Because life is something to cherish, and so is she.

And that’s why she can always be a Cherished Muslimah.

If you haven’t got a copy of The Four Traits of a Cherished Muslimah, you can order your copies here.

This month we also have a much needed and intended Cherished Muslimah Live at the end of the month – Register here for a juicy topicObedience to Husbands! 

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